Sensitivity Training

I have had the fortunate and unfortunate opportunity in the last few years of experiencing what my good friend Janis calls "sensitivity training." In my youth and still today I tend to be very self- focused. Maybe we are all self-focused but is has caused me to be less than sensitive to those struggling with one thing or another. Instead of rejoicing to bring a sick friend a meal it often causes needless stress. Instead of focusing on how I can love others like Christ, I focus on my own endless list of to do's.

My sensitivity training began with my recent jaw healing adventure. For this story we must go back several years to my sweet husband. He was diagnosed with diverticulitis and I was very much less than sensitive. At the time I was on empty and overwhelmed. It did not help that in order for Spencer to keep his job I had to work his and mine, this aided in my insensitivity. I was less than patient and certainly not understanding. I was self-focused, not meaning to be upset with him but so tired and overwhelmed that I could not rightly see his suffering. I got over my insensitivity and took care of him. Thankfully the Lord did not allow me to dwell in that awful place.

Several months later I was diagnosed with a cyst in my jaw. The cyst was benign but it had eaten away a good portion of my jaw and as such was inoperable without drastically altering my life. My doctor decided to go the least abrasive route and heal me over time with a small open incision in my mouth to shrink the cyst over time. I underwent several surgeries and found myself helpless. What did my husband meet me with, love. He took such good care of me with patience and tenderness. He was not short with me, or seemingly overwhelmed. He was truly Christ to me. As I lay on the couch with an enormous face, tons of ice packs and a lot of pain meds, I began to see how much I had let Spencer down when he was in the same dilemma. I had been short and frustrated. I took care of him and tried to love him but I was not sensitive. I needed sensitivity training and boy did I learn it. After 4 surgeries in one year I have heard the Lord loud and clear. I am called to love those who are struggling that Christ has loved. I am called to look to him for strength when the burden of life and when taking care of others seems too much, I am called to love. Not love when I am full, not love when I feel like it, just love! WHOA. Maybe you have undergone sensitivity training as well. Maybe you don't have to, trust me it's no fun. God does not care that I took care of his people. It's not just the action he cares about but the heart behind the action. If I serve others but do not have love in my heart I have missed the gospel message.

The real meaning of Christmas

 This year I've felt a little bit like Charlie Brown, I have wondered, what is the meaning of Christmas?

 As I went through the fall and noticed Christmas decor on the store shelves before Halloween, as I noted that stores were open on Thanksgiving now in order to get great Christmas deals I wondered...what is Christmas all about? Being a Christian, I KNOW what Christmas is all about the  birth of Jesus who is our Messiah and Saviour, I know that, but where is he? I see lights, presents and carolers. I put on concerts, bake cookies, shop for gifts etc., but where is Jesus? Is he in the Christmas lists of presents we ask our families for? Is he in the line at the mall to see Santa? Is he at Church or maybe only at church? Is he is the adopt-a-family or at the soup kitchen? I began to think about all of the things that make up Christmas and began to wonder how they add up to Jesus. Most years all of the wonder of the Christmas season points me to Jesus but this year it has distracted me. I have been focusing on the presents I wish I could give to people or wishing my current life place felt more secure. I have been dreading the surgery that looms for my daughter when the Christmas season is over and wishing with all of my heart I could see all of my loved ones to celebrate. As I have been wading through the emotional mess of this year I was reminded by God that these things I am wrestling with are exactly why I celebrate Christmas. God did not come only to stay a baby, he came to grow into a man, to minister to the broken and eventually die for the sins of the world. He came to save and redeem me. He came to be Lord over all. He gave so that I might give. He died so that I might live. He wants to be Lord over everything, my sadness, my joy, my brokenness, my celebrations, everything. He wants to be there in the beauty of the music my students make. He wants to be there in the kindness we share with one another. He want to be in our hearts as we choose gifts to give to those around us how much we love them. He wants us to have joy and wonder, he wants to be Our King of Kings, Immanuel the prince of peace.

This Sunday, the pastor of Cape Bible Chapel presented a message about Christmas and being in the holiday spirit. He reminded the congregation that the birth of Jesus is miraculous. Not only is this unfathomable that a virgin could conceive and bear a child, a child that would be the son of God but that that son would actually be God. The whole thing is mind blowing. The God of the Universe sets aside his glory to grow inside a young girls womb for 9 months. The creator and sustain of life is now a helpless baby. The God of the universe has to rely on people to care for his needs, let that sink in a minute. As I pondered these truths I was transported back in time to past Christmas'. As a young girl I understood the mysterious truth of the birth of Christ. I imagined what it must have been like for Mary to be told that she was with child and that that child was God's own son. What Joseph must have felt when his intended bride that he had not yet slept with was found to be with child. How he must have felt relieved but also afraid when the angel told him that the child inside of Mary's womb  was God. I imagine that might be a bit intimidating to a young man. I imagined what obstacles two young people in their situation must have faced. I used to listen to carols like Angels We Have Heard on High and imagine what the shepherds must have been thinking when they saw the angel announce the birth of Christ. What would it have been like to visit the Savior of the world as an infant and play a drum like the Carol of the little drummer boy? I do not think that carol has any true historical reference but the thought of having nothing to bring the newborn king but yourself makes me smile.

Jesus came to be the Messiah but he came as a baby. He came in human flesh to walk as we walk, to live as we live. He came to be fully God and fully man. Eventually the baby born in a manger would die for you and for I. He would pay the penalty for sin, not so that we can be better people, or do good deeds, or got to church on holidays or feel good about ourselves. He came and died for our sin that we might be saved from death and live in everlasting glory. He came to transform our lives and make us into His image more and more each day. He came to dwell in us with His Holy Spirit so that we might honor and bless him with our lives. He came to radically transform our lives and change history. Mysterious and wonderful. That is much more wondrous than a strand of LED lights, a fat man with lots of presents or even reindeer that have learned to fly. This holiday season I hope you will think in childlike wonder about the baby born in Bethlehem a little over 2,000 years ago. I hope you will allow yourself to imagine the circumstances of his birth, his childhood, adolescence, ministry and finally his death and resurrection. I hope you will lose yourself in the wonder of the true meaning of Christmas and meet that tiny baby boy who changed the world and wants to change your life.

Thankful

Recently I came across this someecard on Facebook. I love someecards mainly because I have a very sarcastic and somewhat dry sense of humor. This card however did not make me laugh but instead it made me stop and think. You see every year I give myself the task of being thankful for 30 days. I give myself this task that I might see beyond myself and my circumstances. I do it publicly to be accountable because lets face it, who does not like a good pity party. As I pondered the ecard, I began to wonder...am I ungrateful? Do I complain for the majority of the year only to be thankful for 30 days? It made me think about my own heart attitude. 

This November I have found it difficult at times to be thankful. I have struggled some days to think of something that I am thankful for. It seems like life is full of hills and valleys. It is easy to live with a grateful heat when you are living in triumph or are on top of the world, conversely it is difficult in the midst of struggle to see the wonder and joy around you. I struggle often times with this emotional blindness that makes me feel and possibly seem ungrateful.

As I pondered these things further, I began to wonder, does the presence of struggle, anxiety, heartache, frustration and the like negate thankfulness? Can you be real about your emotions and where you are at in life and still live out your days as a person who is grateful for all that the Lord has done? I think the answer is yes. The Bible does not tell us that we have to be happy all of the time, in fact it is full of accounts of people who are very much not happy. The Bible does however command us to give thanks. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. "- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19 ESV As I thought all month about my personal thankfulness challenge and the fact that honestly I did not feel thankful sometimes, I began to wonder about verses like the one in 1 Thessalonians. Why does God call us to give thanks for ALL things, doesn't he know that some things are hard? Each day that I was thankful I began to struggle more. Life began to hand me more and more challenges. Personal, financial, physical....but I had started the month of being thankful and I was going to finish!! Each day as I thought about what I had to praise God for, the struggles seemed to be less insurmountable. I began to think "if I have so much to be thankful for then surely God will hear and answer me in my current distress." In the days that followed I also began to trust God's goodness even if he did not answer every distress call immediately or how I think he should. Each day of faithfulness to the goal I set for myself, the more my outlook changed and the easier it was to make it through each day. A very wise friend of mine said to me once, that depression can be diminished by being thankful. She told me that writing down 375 things you are thankful for can lessen depression considerably. After only finding thirty thankful things and feeling much better about some pretty challenging life trials, I think she may be on to something. God knows that here in this world that is sinful and broken we will not find hope if we do not look to him. God knows that if our hearts are focused on situations and the brokenness of the world and those around us our hope will fail. I believe that is why he commands us to be thankful. God is so amazing that not only does he provide for our physical needs but he also provides for our emotional needs. 

 

The Promise

Ten years ago my college sweetheart and I said "I do." We made a covenant before God and in front of many witnesses. At the time I realized what the promise I was making meant but you never fully understand until you live it. When you are 23, healthy and have your whole life ahead of you it's hard to grasp the weight of the promise you are making. It's hard to think about the weight of sickness when all you have known is health. It's hard to grasp poor when all you have known is plenty. When you look down the road hoping for all of the "betters" it's hard to fathom the worse. We do it daily all around the world, people promise:  "for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do us part." When I got married I wondered why we made that promise to one another and now ten years later, I have finally learned the answer to that question, because there are good times but there are also bad, there is sickness as well as health, there are times of plenty and times when our store houses are empty. It's not a promise for just in case life gets hard, it's a promise because life will be hard. Spencer and I have had to live out our vows over the past 10 years. We have seen and experienced all of the things that we told each other we would be there for. 

I love this song, it makes me cry, it makes me think, it reminds me that I made a covenant with the one true God and it points me to the only person who can help me keep that vow. I wish that I could learn how to "dance in the minefields." Frankly, I am pretty good at hunkering down and waiting out the storms but dancing in them...not so much. Maybe that's the lesson that God will teach me in the next 10 years. 

"Cause we bear the light of the son of man so there's nothing left to fear.

 I'll walk with you in the shadow land, til the shadows disappear. 

Cause he promised not to leave us and his promises are true

 so in the face of all the chaos baby, I can dance with you."- Andrew Peterson

Such good lyrics. We do bear the light of God's son. We are children of God. There is nothing that God cannot do in and through the lives of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. So maybe you find yourself in the middle of the sickness, health, want, wealth, good times, bad but one thing is for sure, God is Lord over all things.

To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy-to the one and only God our saviour be the glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and for-evermore! Amen. -Jude 1:24-25

God won't give me more than I can handle...right?

Recently I have read several blog posts on the topic of God not giving people more than they can handle. People seem to be currently enraged with this concept. Why is this such a big deal I wondered as I read the blog posts. I have done some reading and this is what I came up with.

The concept of God not giving us more than we can handle is found nowhere in Scripture. In fact we have very well documented cases of God giving or allowing people to be in circumstances where they were given more than they can handle. Surely being cast out of the garden of Eden, separated from God, struggling in work and childbearing and the final consequence of original sin, death, were probably more than Adam and Eve could handle. When the Lord killed David and Bathsheba's son as a punishment for their infidelity, it was more than they could handle. Moses could not speak and was given the task of demanding Pharaoh to let the Israelites go, despite his fear, anxiety, stuttering. Job, lost everything and was tempted and afflicted by Satan, I'm sure that felt like more than he could handle.  What about Jesus? Dying on a cross  and being separated from God was more than he could handle. Oh and don't forget the disciples, most of them were martyred for their faith...do you see where I am going with this? The Bible is full of accounts of people with struggles. People just like you and I who found themselves in situations that were more than they could handle. Scripture is also records the Lord's faithfulness in EVERY overwhelming situation.

What Scripture does say is that the Christian life is to be a struggle. We are to take up our cross daily and follow Christ. Christ himself tells us that even families will be broken apart by the Gospel. Boy, that sounds a lot worse than they whole "God won't give you more than you can handle" adage. Actually the truth is far more wonderful than even that. The Lord promises to be with us in time of struggle. He promises to carry us through, guide us and protect us. He gives us his Holy Spirit and friendship with his fellowship of believers here on earth. We may be given things that are seemingly too much for us to handle but the good news is that nothing is bigger than what God can handle. If we could figure out everything here on earth, what would we need faith for? What would we need God for? How would God be glorified by a bunch of highly capable people with perfect lives? Furthermore, how much satisfaction and joy could we ourselves take from life if we were perfect and never learned anything new or were never challenged or tested. The hardest things I have encountered have left imprints on my soul. The Lord has used them, to change and grow me into the person he means me to be.

The Lord may or may not give me more than I can handle but this sinful broken world probably will. My sinfulness and disobedience may also land me in a situation that feels like more than I can handle. I will encounter, sickness, death, sorrow, violence, cruelty, hatred and the like, here on earth. God gives us something powerful though in the midst of the struggles here on earth his Spirit and his Son. Neither one of these things take away the broken bits of our lives but they do allow us to walk through our troubles with faith. So instead of thinking, "God will not give me more than I can handle." I prefer to think that there is nothing that God can not handle. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."- 2 Corinthians 12:9  May God display his power and might in the lives of us who call him Father.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:38-39

The star of Brave in the real world

Several years ago a movie titled Brave came out into theaters. It featured a little girl who was seeking her own voice and path in a life that had already been planned out for her. I took my daughter to see this movie and we love it but I don't think Merida was all that Brave. I guess by movie standards she was Brave in facing a bear, standing up for what is right, but at the end of the movie I saw a selfish little girl who was only Brave because she had to be. Maybe we all face moments where we are brave because we have to be. I don't think anyone walks around thinking,"I want to be brave. Test my braveness." In reality I think we are brave when we least expect it or possibly when we least want to be.

My little girl was born with a cleft palate. She was very fortunate that it was only the palate and not the lip. The cleft also did not bother any or her gums. When she was born she would not eat due to the palate and she had a hard time thriving for several weeks. Fortunately we live in a city that has wonderful children's hospitals and we put her under the care of the cleft team at Cardinal Glennon. At 16 months the cleft was repaired. Honestly it was an awful experience. I don't know if you have ever been in a situation to watch your child suffer but if you have you understand the torture we went through. Our daughter cried for a full 48 hours after we got home and she was in so much pain, it hurt us so bad because we could do nothing. One day she turned a corner and suddenly she was playing and happy again. Our daughter does not remember any of the things that happened with that first surgery because she was so small but all of that is about to change. 

At our cleft team visit this year the doctors determined that my little girl will need another surgery. After a marathon of doctors; ENT, audiology, speech, plastic surgery, dental, and a battery of tests prodding a poking they told us we needed one more test to determine if she needed surgery. She had to have a nasal scope, basically they put a camera up her nose and asked her to speak. At first my 5 year old seemed afraid of this task but then she bravely accepted the challenge and did a wonderful job. As she waited for her scope that was admittedly scary for her, she sang a song she learned at her preschool. "Our God is a great big God." She began to sing a soon there was a host of people watching and smiling, some were even crying. She did the scope and our fear were confirmed that she will indeed be facing another surgery, a surgery that she will remember. 

I walked into the news of surgery with faith but in the days that have followed I have been met with doubt, fear, and anxiety. I know God has kept my baby girl and our family in his care but why this? Why must we continue on this journey? Why does someone so small have to be so brave? I am sure many mother's of children fighting illness, disease or any medical struggle have asked God the same question. It seems unfair that a small child should be asked to bear such a great burden but I know plenty of people whose children bear a similar or even harder burden than my own. How do we walk through these challenges with faith and grace while still being human? 

I am afraid I cannot answer that question but I do know a few things. I know that my daughter frequently reminds me that she loves Jesus more than me and that is a start. The first time she told me that I almost cried. She looked at me like she thought I was angry and I looked back at her and said, "that is always how it should be. Make sure you always love God more than people and he will give you a heart to love people well." See she has the correct priorities. Her heart longs after God without question. She does not have to doubt, she just has faith. When she comes to a new situation she approaches it with faith. My challenge is how to model walking with faith in this new situation so that she can demonstrate and live out her faith in this obstacle too. 

I also know that God is not the author of bad things. We live in a fallen world broken by sin. When Adam and Eve sinned the whole of humanity was cursed with sin and the effects of sin. There was no longer perfect communion with God. Our bodies now struggle with sickness and the effects of the fall. The whole of nature is crying out for redemption because of the sinfulness of man. Most Christians embrace these truths as fact but honestly it is hard to live them out in the face of our struggles. So what then are we to do when faced with a situation that requires bravery? I believe we are to set our hearts and minds on God like king David and God will use us to slay Giants. Exodus 14:14 says that the Lord will fight your battles you need only be still. I think that the being still is the hard part. We can not see God's plan from out limited human perspective but he calls us to have faith and trust, that is what makes us truly brave. So the next time you are faced with a situation that requires you to be brave consider your options, face the situation with your own strength or call upon the one who endured death, even death on a cross, to reverse the curse of sin. 

Yesterday I was a bad Mom.

Yesterday I was a bad Mom.  I came home from work exhausted and incredibly irritated for no apparent reason and that's when everything fell apart. I left work with a mountain of things left undone and came home to a moutain of other things to be done. My daughter had been playing, so toys were out and the house was not entirely in order. Normally I would have been okay with the state of our lives but not yesterday. From the moment I came in the house I felt overwhelmed and frustrated. The day had followed me home and was now going to hang out in my living room all evening. I was annoyed, irritated and disagreeable. After supper my daughter asked me to go onto a learning website she had been talking about for a number of days.  I logged for her and found out that you have to pay a monthly fee to use the website after the initial 30 day trial. For some reason this sent me over the edge. Why on earth should I pay monthly for a website to teach my daughter things when I myself possess an education degree!!!  I grumbled and made it clear that I was not happy about her obsession with this website or the fact that my husband had already created an account for her. I begrudgingly logged her into the site and sat with her while she played the games. She enjoyed playing but could clearly tell I was unhappy with her. After her computer time I gave her a bath and put her to be without even reading her a story. I retreated to my couch to sulk and revel in my bad attitude. It was during this sulking period that the Lord began to whisper in my ear. I began to think about the night and wonder what on earth I could have possibly been so upset about; my conclusion, nothing. I began to think about my daughter and her website obsession and it occured to me, I used to do that. I would hear about something and fixate on it until I had it or experienced this mysterious thing that I was hearing about. The difference between my childhood obsessions and my daughter's is this, her obsession revolves around a sincere desire to learn to read. She had been working tirelessly to learn her alphabet letters and sounds so that she can read to herself. Unlike the things I wished to possess in my youth that were fleeting, my daughter wants to possess the keys to knowledge.

I was not a bad Mom because I had a bad day or even because I was firm with my daughter, the reason I was a bad Mom was in my heart, you see I allowed my heart to be hardened. The day, clutter, worries, stress, workload etc. had taken over my heart and left it hardend. I did not give my burdens to the Lord and I did not speak or breathe life into my daughter or my family. I did not demonstrate grace or patience. My daughter brought me her heart, vulnerable and sweet and  I did not treat it like the treasure that it is. Instead of looking into my childs heart and seeing shepherding it, I neglected to see past my own selfishness.

Scripture call us to "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."-Proverbs 22:6 I was listening to focus on the family the other day and they were speaking about that passage and about how it is more than discipline but training of the heart. Teaching our children to have a heart after God to follow after him in obedience and faith. Giving our children a heart knowledge that will continue to guide them in their lives to come. We have to first model the obedience and faith. My daughter learns everyday how to treat people from my husband and I. She will be the kind of mother I am to her children. What kind of legacy do I want to be leaving for my precious one?

Is there hope to ever ridding myself of the "bad mom?" I don't think so. The problem with original sin is that while Christ has defeated sin and death on the cross, we struggle and will struggle with those things until he comes again. I am not sinless and will not be until the day Christ takes me to be with him.  I think that in God's grace he shows me how to be a better Mom when the "bad mom" appears. If everything was always easy or I never failed I would not grow. I would stay the same person I am always.  I think the Lord teaches me how to respect and listen to my daughter when the "bad mom"chooses not to listen. He shows me that she is a small person with a big heart and that we all just want to be heard and loved. I think he shows me exactly how much grace I need and in turn how much grace he expects me to extend to others. He shows me exactly how blessed I am and how much blessing he expects me to pour onto those I come in contact with. No, I think the bad mom is a teaching tool the Lord uses to show me that I do not have a heart after his and that I need to follow  him.

So what about today...Today I was a  good Mom. I was not good because I posess within myself the capacity to be so, no I was good because I intentionally set my heart after the Lord. I brought my child to God's feet in prayer and intentionally looked into her heart. I sought to love and cherish the time I have with my most precious little girl, time that is already passing too fast. Today I was intentional about loving and speaking life. Today I told the "bad mom" to take a hike because life is too short to let her hand around too long.