Yesterday I was a bad Mom.

Yesterday I was a bad Mom.  I came home from work exhausted and incredibly irritated for no apparent reason and that's when everything fell apart. I left work with a mountain of things left undone and came home to a moutain of other things to be done. My daughter had been playing, so toys were out and the house was not entirely in order. Normally I would have been okay with the state of our lives but not yesterday. From the moment I came in the house I felt overwhelmed and frustrated. The day had followed me home and was now going to hang out in my living room all evening. I was annoyed, irritated and disagreeable. After supper my daughter asked me to go onto a learning website she had been talking about for a number of days.  I logged for her and found out that you have to pay a monthly fee to use the website after the initial 30 day trial. For some reason this sent me over the edge. Why on earth should I pay monthly for a website to teach my daughter things when I myself possess an education degree!!!  I grumbled and made it clear that I was not happy about her obsession with this website or the fact that my husband had already created an account for her. I begrudgingly logged her into the site and sat with her while she played the games. She enjoyed playing but could clearly tell I was unhappy with her. After her computer time I gave her a bath and put her to be without even reading her a story. I retreated to my couch to sulk and revel in my bad attitude. It was during this sulking period that the Lord began to whisper in my ear. I began to think about the night and wonder what on earth I could have possibly been so upset about; my conclusion, nothing. I began to think about my daughter and her website obsession and it occured to me, I used to do that. I would hear about something and fixate on it until I had it or experienced this mysterious thing that I was hearing about. The difference between my childhood obsessions and my daughter's is this, her obsession revolves around a sincere desire to learn to read. She had been working tirelessly to learn her alphabet letters and sounds so that she can read to herself. Unlike the things I wished to possess in my youth that were fleeting, my daughter wants to possess the keys to knowledge.

I was not a bad Mom because I had a bad day or even because I was firm with my daughter, the reason I was a bad Mom was in my heart, you see I allowed my heart to be hardened. The day, clutter, worries, stress, workload etc. had taken over my heart and left it hardend. I did not give my burdens to the Lord and I did not speak or breathe life into my daughter or my family. I did not demonstrate grace or patience. My daughter brought me her heart, vulnerable and sweet and  I did not treat it like the treasure that it is. Instead of looking into my childs heart and seeing shepherding it, I neglected to see past my own selfishness.

Scripture call us to "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."-Proverbs 22:6 I was listening to focus on the family the other day and they were speaking about that passage and about how it is more than discipline but training of the heart. Teaching our children to have a heart after God to follow after him in obedience and faith. Giving our children a heart knowledge that will continue to guide them in their lives to come. We have to first model the obedience and faith. My daughter learns everyday how to treat people from my husband and I. She will be the kind of mother I am to her children. What kind of legacy do I want to be leaving for my precious one?

Is there hope to ever ridding myself of the "bad mom?" I don't think so. The problem with original sin is that while Christ has defeated sin and death on the cross, we struggle and will struggle with those things until he comes again. I am not sinless and will not be until the day Christ takes me to be with him.  I think that in God's grace he shows me how to be a better Mom when the "bad mom" appears. If everything was always easy or I never failed I would not grow. I would stay the same person I am always.  I think the Lord teaches me how to respect and listen to my daughter when the "bad mom"chooses not to listen. He shows me that she is a small person with a big heart and that we all just want to be heard and loved. I think he shows me exactly how much grace I need and in turn how much grace he expects me to extend to others. He shows me exactly how blessed I am and how much blessing he expects me to pour onto those I come in contact with. No, I think the bad mom is a teaching tool the Lord uses to show me that I do not have a heart after his and that I need to follow  him.

So what about today...Today I was a  good Mom. I was not good because I posess within myself the capacity to be so, no I was good because I intentionally set my heart after the Lord. I brought my child to God's feet in prayer and intentionally looked into her heart. I sought to love and cherish the time I have with my most precious little girl, time that is already passing too fast. Today I was intentional about loving and speaking life. Today I told the "bad mom" to take a hike because life is too short to let her hand around too long.

Purple Mountain Majesty

"O beautiful for spacious skies, 
For amber waves of grain, 
For purple mountain majesties 
Above the fruited plain! 
America! America! 
God shed his grace on thee 
And crown thy good with brotherhood 
From sea to shining sea! " -Katherine Lee Bates






Driving across Eastern Colorado is supremely disappointing. If you have ever made this trip you know what I am saying. You drive all the way across Kansas and finally arrive at colorful Colorado only to be greeted by prairie and tumble weeds. What? Where are these "mountains" you think? The great part about this trip is further down the road you being to see a hazy outline of something grand and glorious. What appears only to be a shadow on the horizon at first steadily grows into the bold a beautiful Rocky Mountains with each passing mile. 

I may have been spoiled in my youth. You see I grew up always being able to see the mountains. My family lived in several places in Colorado and I grew accustomed to seeing mountains every day. When I was in lower elementary school I lived in Frisco and was surrounded by mountains. It was part of the physical education requirements in that area to learn a winter sport. Cool huh? In my adolesence I lived in Colorado Springs right next to Pike's Peak where Katherine Lee Bates pinned the lyrics to America the Beautiful in 1893. The grand and glorious rocky Mountains inspired her to see the beauty of our great country and the wonder of God's creation. I have always been fond of the mountains but it is not until recently that I have figured out why. You see I moved to Missouri to go to College and met my husband. We have since settled in Missouri. Not hailing originally from this part of the world, big rivers really do not inspire me as much as the giant mountains that seem to dwarf onlookers. 

This summer I was very blessed to visit Colorado to celebrate my cousin's wedding. After the wedding in Denver my entire immediate family drove to Estes park for 5 days. When we finally got to Estes Park we were surrounded by mountains. I could not get enough of looking at them, I spent every minute of sunlight gazing on the mountains. 

Estes Park

We took several hikes in Rocky Mountain National park and I enjoyed every one of them but I learned the most on the hike I took alone with my sweet husband to Cub lake. We hiked about 3 hours total and the terrain was challenging but not too difficult. We were surrounded by God's majesty and created beauty. I began to ask myself and God why these mountains mean so much to me. Why do these mountains they stir my soul? The answer came as we were making our way back to the shuttle, the answer is that I am small. I am a small but valuable part of God's redemptive plan. The mountains remind me of that. The fact that my life, my problems, my path, are not as big as they seem is calming. God reminded me that I am part of his big picture and he rejoices to let me be a part of it. He is a big God. A God who created oceans, seas, mountains, plains, heavens and earth. He created the whole earth and everything in it and me. What? In comparison I seem to be less significant than the whole of creation yet when God made man and woman he said that it was very good. 

Me at cub lake

Walking the path to Cub lake God reminded me that I am to look to him for guidance and trust that he, the God of all creation, has it all under control. He reminded me to look upon the hills when I or life seem to big. He reminded me that his love for me is vast and bigger than any shortcoming I may possess. Maybe you feel the same way, maybe life is big right now. Maybe your struggles are keeping you from seeing the bigger picture, maybe God wants you to look at him and feel small. The wonderful part of people and creation is that God made all of it for his glory. Your life and mine are part of a bigger plan of redemption and purpose that God has for all of us. What makes you feel small before God? Is he calling you to go there so he can wrap his arms around you and assure you that the big things in life that overwhelm you are not too big for him. 

Rocky Mountian National Park taken on our hike.

"I lift my eyes up to the Mountians- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth." -Psalm 121:1-2

Broken

 Have you ever taken a pottery class? I have. I was lucky enough to attend a Jr. and Senior high school that understood the importance of a varied curriculum and so for one of my electives I chose to take a pottery class. The class was really enjoyable and we did things like pour our own pottery and use the potters wheel,which I was never very good at. Ceramics are a tricky but beautiful art form. There are lots of pottery making methods, some involve using a mold, some involve pinching or molding a pot or sculpture by hand and other a potter's wheel. The artist must pick how they will build their artwork and then proceed but there are many steps before completion in any one of these methods.

For the past several years I have felt like a broken pot. This life has times of great sorrow, hardship, love, joy, prosperity, need, grief, loss and elation. The roads we have all set out on can have twists and turns we never expected and lead us to perils never prepared for. It was in one, or all of those perils in my path that my particular pot was broken. The good thing about pottery is this, it can be fixed or even transformed from misshapen or broken into something right and beautiful. An artist skilled in clay can either use water to re-wet the clay and shape it back into the intended form or break it completely and mix the clay again to make it into an entirely new piece.

God does not intend for us to stay broken. He does not intend for his pots to be walking around with holes in them. God intends for us to be formed to the specific shape and purpose he created us for. We are not to be a misshapen mess that will not function properly. Imagine if you will a wonky coffee cup that will leave coffee all over the front of your work attire. No, no wonky cups, saucers, plates, bowls or the like in God's pottery. You see God is the most skilled potter. If our pot is broken beyond a quick repair he can and sometimes does remake our pots into something even more beautiful.


The process of pottery making always includes the use of a kiln to heat the pottery and harden it for completion. Even after the potter has spent hours forming, molding, taking the rough edges off  and painting the pottery it still has to be fired in the kiln. Tremendous amounts of heat harden the clay into something that we can use for a number of daily tasks. Even if our wonderful and skilled potter has formed us into the particular shape in which he has intended, we may still need to go to the process of firing. The kiln is necessary to harden earthenware, stoneware and porcelain into something that can be used forever.

So what then about us? Are we to stay broken? Are we to resist being fired in the kiln for our completion or refuse to be molded on the potters wheel? Surely not. We must not be defined by our situation, problems, ailments or circumstances, instead be must be defined by the one who made us. We must be defined by the one who created us and breathed life into us. We are created for a specific God honoring use and must trust God's purpose in his process of making us into what he has intended us to be. This past year as I was treated for a cyst in my jaw.  I struggled with being defined by my ailment. After undergoing several surgeries I fell into despair at times. I began to dwell in my perception of what was wrong with my life instead of dwelling in thankfulness for God's provision of a wonderful doctor.  I focused on what I was missing  and it stole my joy. I became the broken pot and intended to stay that way. What I did not realize is that God meant this process to not only heal my jaw but heal my heart. God will mend our brokenness. He will use our struggles and trials to bring us and those around us closer to him. The very God who formed our hearts and created them will be the one to put back the pieces that this world and our circumstances have broken. Only he can restore us and when he does we must live in the victory of his healing and restoration.

Spiders and fleas and mice, oh my!

I have aways been prone to anxiety. As long as I can remember I have been plagued with fear and anxiety about everything. I am not sure if this condition is nature or nurture but I do know it has kept me from doing a lot of things in life. When I was small I would pray every night and the end of my prayers would go something like this, "Lord please do not let any animals, insects or spiders come near me, harm me, bother me or bite me and please keep me from death." In hindsight, that is pretty heavy stuff for a fourth grader to be praying about! The amount of anxiety I feel has only gotten worse as I have grown into adulthood. Now I am the one expected to keep the above mentioned harms from my family.

Several years back we lived in a townhouse where I discovered, to my horror, a number of brown recluse spiders. I shudder even thinking about it because it was truly my worst nightmare come true. I had to deal with the situation as an adult with no Mom and Dad to run to. My husband and I had to figure out the best and safest way to take care of the problem. In the middle of my spider problem it felt like the world was ending. Now looking back I see that the Lord kept us safe and worked out his plan of redemption even in that situation.

When presented with a problem such as spiders, or my dog having fleas or a mouse in our home I freeze. It is the proverbial straw that broke the Camel's back in every instance. You see the problems seem to compound, one on top of another until even the smallest thing seems to send me to tears. The funny thing is how the Lord has never let me down and yet I freak out as if he will. The presence of problems or pests does not indicate the absence of God.

Philippians 4:6 says,"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Why does God tell us to be anxious about nothing, doesn't he know about plagues, fires, famines, rabid dogs and the other 9 millions problems or perils that could befall us everyday? The answer is Yes! I think the problem is we make God too small or at least I do. God knows about everything under the heavens. Why then does he call me not to be anxious about anything? I think the reason is two fold, first he is in control of everything and will provide in all situations.  Secondly he knows the havoc anxiety can wreak on or minds, bodies and souls and he does not want us to live in that havoc. The first point is crucial. Whether or not we feel or believe it, God has our best interests at heart at all times. The perils that befall us in out life's journeys are not a surprise to God. He knows about them and he also know how he will get us out of them. Much of what we walk through prepares us for situations that we will face in life's journey ahead or people we will meet and influence for God. Our thoughts, actions and state of mind can play a huge part in our overall health and well being.

I love the second half of the verse above. "And the peace that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." God promises a peace that we can not comprehend. When our minds are busy worrying and fretting God promises us peace. The God who created the heavens and earth promises us peace that we can not understand. This same peace is promised to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I love that God promises to guard our hearts. Our hearts are so fragile and the Lord who created us in his own likeness knows the tenderness of our hearts. God promises to guard our tender hearts and protect our minds from worry, worry that can steal our joy, our peace, our contentment even our sense of adventure or enjoyment. God means for us to enjoy this adventure called life. Are we needlessly worrying about things we have no control over or are we trusting the Lord with all that we of our hearts and letting his peace reign in our hearts?

The real world war Z

I took my daughter to a local fast food establishment for dinner the other night. We rarely have a time out together just the two of us and so we were both looking forward to a meal and time spent together. To my surprise a local elementary school was hosting a fundraiser at our restaurant of choice and the place was packed with people. It took an exorbitant amount of time to get our food and while we were waiting a number of children seemed to be running a muck. As I looked around I saw parents just tired. A veritable zombie race of overworked people trying to cross feeding the children off their list of nightly duties. It seems like we work so hard for our living, the things we need and possibly don't need to survive. We are giving in so many directions that we often have little time or energy left for the most important things in life.

I see myself as a member of the zombie race more often than I care to admit. I come home after a long day at work and I have nothing left. All day long I have been teaching, molding, disciplining and caring for four hundred plus students between two different schools. I find that all of my patience, understanding and guidance has been dulled out to the precious ones I am in trusted to teach everyday. Each child who walks into my classroom is someones pride and joy, someones sunshine and I try to treat them as such. This poses a problem when I have nothing left for my own sunshine. Who will mother her if I don't? Who will teach her to love, respect and care for people if I won't. Who will model grace and understanding if not me? Who will point her to God if I do not? Who will she come to if all I can do is park on the couch out of pure exhaustion?

I see the zombie race weekly. They look like everyone else. They drive cars and go to work, they have families that they love and they are all spent. Being tired is not relegated only to the teachers of the world, stay at home mothers, businessmen, nurses, doctors and every other person striving to make a living can and probably will fall into zombiehood at some point. 

I have heard many people say that they are "working for the weekends." I think this sounds about right. Most people are doing just that, working for the time they are allotted to be off pouring into their family friends, hobbies and the things that make them who they are. Many people have church obligations or even extra jobs that consume even the time they are given "off." The problem with working for the weekends is that the zombies are taking over that part of life too. I realized this while I was at church the other day enjoying a "day of rest." Biblically, the Lord rested on the seventh day and has blessed us with the ability to do so as well. Many jobs and obligations in this modern life do not allow for such a thing as resting. As I looked around at my friends and even my pastors I noticed that they looked tired too. ACK, is there no escaping the zombie Apocalypse? So now the problem is that I am too tired to be graceful with my family, to model love, respect and joyfulness. On the weekends I am too busy to lead myself and my child to worship and I am not taking the time needed to rest. Does anyone out there hear what I am saying? 

 How do we combat the zombie within and still be everything we are called to be at home, school, work etc? How do we honor God with all that we are when we have given all that we have? I wish I had some profound answer but the truth is I do not. I do know this, if we do not take the time to teach our children they will never learn to be the people we are praying that they will be. Kids learn from every experience. They are amazing little sponges who soak up anything near them. Who will teach them to be respectful, to be kind, to serve, to love, to give, to be full of grace, to worship if we won't or can't. Maybe the first step is realizing the signs of our inner zombie and then fighting against it. Maybe if we recognize the triggers we can fight against giving into being shadows of our true selves. 

My biggest downfall is the couch. It is just so darn comfy and after an entire day of singing, dancing and moving it is oh so inviting. I bet your couch is equally inviting after a long day of whatever keeps you busy from sun up to sundown. I have learned that nothing will happen if I put my rear on that couch. I am instantly checked out. I am a shadow of myself. I check facebook, I watch a movie with my daughter and it it truly all I can do to get her ready for bed. Frankly, when  my daughter's bed time rolls around I am more than ready to fall asleep.

What is the solution to the real world war Z? I think the answer can be found in Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to Me, all of you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly of heart, and you will find rest unto your souls." I think it's a daily act of seeking God, possibly even hourly. Praying and asking him to take my burdens and to give me rest. I know there are days when I am crying out to to Jesus by 10am, days that I have to tackle one three hour stretch at a time. Maybe you have been there too. Days that are overwhelming when I don't feel like I have the strength to carry on. When the day is long..,"come to Me all of you who labor." When the work is hard...,"come to Me, you who are heavy laden." When the couch, the TV, the computer, your phone are calling you to check out...Jesus says, "come to Me and I will give you rest." All of the things in this world that promise an escape are only that, escape. Is it possible what we are truly longing for is rest, peace and rejuvenation, "...and you will find rest unto your souls." What a promise! Jesus himself is promising us peace, what a wonderful word.

Roadkill

Funny where we learn life's lessons. We recently adopted a Chihuahua from a local animal shelter. I have always loved animals but until now have not owned a dog in adulthood. We love our dog and have admittedly spoiled her. She has a pink collar with rhinestones and an equally fancy bowl and bed picked for her by my daughter.  After trying several different dog food brands, we settled on Fromm Farms Game bird blend dog food. The food is remarkable, seriously, I am pretty sure my dog is eating healthier than I am. This particular food we have selected for our prissy dog, has fruits, vegetables and the best cuts of meat. Being a Type A person, I am proud of this choice in dog food and I think it has helped her to be a healthy happy dog. Much to my chagrin however, my dog who by anyones standards eats yuppie dog food, has a disgusting love for road kill. She is attracted to any dead creature remotely near our home and I must admit it is repulsive. As I scolded her for trying yet again to placate her revolting desire, I realized, I do the same thing! The Lord gives me good gifts and I am running the opposite way in search of something else, something that is never as good as what He has given me. I live a life full of blessings and yet I long and desire for more. Maybe not all of my desires are a repulsive as road kill but they are keeping me from total trust and obedience to God. Like I do for my dog, the Lord takes me in and cleans me up from my latest romp in whatever pig pen I happen to be lounging in and cares for me. He washes me, cleans me up and reminds me that he loves me. He shows me again and again that I am beloved and cherished, he even goes so far as to call me his daughter.  Just like the Israelites wandering the desert longing for something other than manna and quail, my dog and I and possibly even you long after things that are not the healthiest for us. It's a good thing our God is faithful and just to call us back to him.

Tired of Running

Have you ever run from God? I have and actually I am pretty good at it. The problem is I can never out run, outlast or hide from an omnipresent, omnipotent God. I continue to run and hide even though I know the end result is that God will find me. The Lord seeks me with patience and love and leads me back to whatever path I have strayed from.  The Lord has been leading me to start this blog for quite some time now but I have been running from this faith assignment until now. My prayer is that this blog will be encouraging to women as they travel the road of life.