Yesterday I was a bad Mom.

Yesterday I was a bad Mom.  I came home from work exhausted and incredibly irritated for no apparent reason and that's when everything fell apart. I left work with a mountain of things left undone and came home to a moutain of other things to be done. My daughter had been playing, so toys were out and the house was not entirely in order. Normally I would have been okay with the state of our lives but not yesterday. From the moment I came in the house I felt overwhelmed and frustrated. The day had followed me home and was now going to hang out in my living room all evening. I was annoyed, irritated and disagreeable. After supper my daughter asked me to go onto a learning website she had been talking about for a number of days.  I logged for her and found out that you have to pay a monthly fee to use the website after the initial 30 day trial. For some reason this sent me over the edge. Why on earth should I pay monthly for a website to teach my daughter things when I myself possess an education degree!!!  I grumbled and made it clear that I was not happy about her obsession with this website or the fact that my husband had already created an account for her. I begrudgingly logged her into the site and sat with her while she played the games. She enjoyed playing but could clearly tell I was unhappy with her. After her computer time I gave her a bath and put her to be without even reading her a story. I retreated to my couch to sulk and revel in my bad attitude. It was during this sulking period that the Lord began to whisper in my ear. I began to think about the night and wonder what on earth I could have possibly been so upset about; my conclusion, nothing. I began to think about my daughter and her website obsession and it occured to me, I used to do that. I would hear about something and fixate on it until I had it or experienced this mysterious thing that I was hearing about. The difference between my childhood obsessions and my daughter's is this, her obsession revolves around a sincere desire to learn to read. She had been working tirelessly to learn her alphabet letters and sounds so that she can read to herself. Unlike the things I wished to possess in my youth that were fleeting, my daughter wants to possess the keys to knowledge.

I was not a bad Mom because I had a bad day or even because I was firm with my daughter, the reason I was a bad Mom was in my heart, you see I allowed my heart to be hardened. The day, clutter, worries, stress, workload etc. had taken over my heart and left it hardend. I did not give my burdens to the Lord and I did not speak or breathe life into my daughter or my family. I did not demonstrate grace or patience. My daughter brought me her heart, vulnerable and sweet and  I did not treat it like the treasure that it is. Instead of looking into my childs heart and seeing shepherding it, I neglected to see past my own selfishness.

Scripture call us to "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."-Proverbs 22:6 I was listening to focus on the family the other day and they were speaking about that passage and about how it is more than discipline but training of the heart. Teaching our children to have a heart after God to follow after him in obedience and faith. Giving our children a heart knowledge that will continue to guide them in their lives to come. We have to first model the obedience and faith. My daughter learns everyday how to treat people from my husband and I. She will be the kind of mother I am to her children. What kind of legacy do I want to be leaving for my precious one?

Is there hope to ever ridding myself of the "bad mom?" I don't think so. The problem with original sin is that while Christ has defeated sin and death on the cross, we struggle and will struggle with those things until he comes again. I am not sinless and will not be until the day Christ takes me to be with him.  I think that in God's grace he shows me how to be a better Mom when the "bad mom" appears. If everything was always easy or I never failed I would not grow. I would stay the same person I am always.  I think the Lord teaches me how to respect and listen to my daughter when the "bad mom"chooses not to listen. He shows me that she is a small person with a big heart and that we all just want to be heard and loved. I think he shows me exactly how much grace I need and in turn how much grace he expects me to extend to others. He shows me exactly how blessed I am and how much blessing he expects me to pour onto those I come in contact with. No, I think the bad mom is a teaching tool the Lord uses to show me that I do not have a heart after his and that I need to follow  him.

So what about today...Today I was a  good Mom. I was not good because I posess within myself the capacity to be so, no I was good because I intentionally set my heart after the Lord. I brought my child to God's feet in prayer and intentionally looked into her heart. I sought to love and cherish the time I have with my most precious little girl, time that is already passing too fast. Today I was intentional about loving and speaking life. Today I told the "bad mom" to take a hike because life is too short to let her hand around too long.